Friday, June 26, 2015

Dairy Entry 2

Welcome back to another diary entry. Today I want to talk about the steps I am taking to grieve and accepting the past, also another event that happened in my life. In case you don't get overwhelmed or lost, check out my first diary entry before you read this one! xx 

I have finally attended counseling, I am just starting out but I already feel a lot more calm about what has happened. Each day is a new stepping stone and you never know where life will take you. I think Ive learned this the hard way in some situations but I continue to grow. I have also started reading The Happiness Project. This makes me realize that some people no matter what they have gone through want to be happy and are searching to find it. 


I cannot believe it has been two years since my dads passing, time has gone by so fast its scary, but I felt really good on the 2 year anniversary. I wasn't as sad as I thought I would have been which was huge for me.  I miss him every day but missing someone does not bring them back unfortunately . I felt like it was okay, and things were going to be okay. Something I found very difficult to say in the past. 

Losing a loved one is probably the hardest think I have ever had to go through, but during my counseling I learned that I lost more than one person during this time. Something that has a huge impact on my life has been my mom. She is a recovering alcoholic. For about 4 years she was fighting a battle of alcoholism, which really put a strain on our relationship. My family wanted her to get the help she needed so badly but that doesn't happen over night. My dad was very caring and tried to make things seem like they were all okay. When my dad passed away things got much worse. Living with an alcoholic during this time was even more difficult than losing a loved one. I shoved all my emotions to the side because I was tired of getting hurt and tried my best to deal with this situation for my sister and myself. It was unhealthy environment me and my sister lived in, so my sister went to live with a friend for a few months until things settled down. During this time I lost two loved ones. My mom finally realized she had a problem and needed help. She then went to Rehab for months to get better. I guess I became the mom of the house during these struggling times. Although now I know how to live on my own and take care of a huge house by myself, it still felt very lonely. 

 Realizing this now it all makes sense. I have created a wall that is very hard to take down. I find it very hard to get close to knew people as much as I love meeting others. I also find it very hard to trust anyone else. Taking this wall down is something I need to work on every day. 

In many ways I have become a stronger person through these past years and continue to grow every day. My mom has now been sober for over a year and we are all living together once again. This is such great news and I am very blessed to have a family back but the scars are still there and I am learning how to accept them and move one, which time will certainly tell. 

I am so lucky to have amazing friends by my side, without them I am not sure where I would have ended up. I never turned to drugs or alcohol when I was feeling, stressed, down or ready to give up. I turned to them. Surrounding myself in a healthy environment and happy people is something that Is extremely important to me. I don't like putting myself in bad situations or areas. I recommend doing the things you love, be selfish and have fun to anyone who feels stuck. 

Now that I am finally learning to accept the past and move on, I am already feeling better on the inside, with less anxiety. Which is the best thing for me. I have good days and bad days, but my bad days seem to be less frequent now. I learned the hard way from pushing people away. I pushed away the person I loved the most. This made me realize I need to change for myself because no one deserves to be pushed away and un-happy in a relationship. Especially when you care about this person more than anything. Being happy with yourself is the most important part and even though it has only been a few months I already see improvements in myself.  I wish I would have realized early and taken these steps during the beginning because maybe than I would not have pushed people away, - but this is a topic I will cover next week. 

It feels so much better to get these thoughts out and I hope I can help anyone dealing with these situations as well. I have learned a lot from everything I have gone through but still continue to smile.  
Talk soon, 


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